Four relationship tips I shared this week with my clients
1/ We can say” Words That Hurt” when we are feeling emotionally escalated so we then need to apply “Words That Heal” preferable within 24 hours.
2/ Weekly Check In- how are you going?? Remember Practice PART
Presence - Attunement - Resonance (the feeling of being felt by the other) and this = Building Trust (Danial Siegel)
3/ Quality Time- Just Hanging Out Doing and Being Together
4/ Future Focused Shared Goals/Dreams, aligned values and meaning (Gottman).
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This term referred to in Dr Stan Tatkin’s relationship work relates to memory, perception and communication. Misunderstandings in communication, lead to escalation in arguments. However did you know that your working memory and perception are actually influenced by your mood and current state of mind including lack of sleep or financial stress etc? This stress response is lightening fast and signals the brain to be on guard. In other words our threat response is up and ready to respond to perceived threat or a bias to what is “negative”. That discussion you are having with your loved one can become a disastrous reality, really quickly! Because we all have different perspectives based on different past experiences. Interestingly Stan liken’s the effects of the Troublesome Triad with those theme park fun house mirrors (you know those ones where your refection becomes all weird and contorted) where we can not see each other or ourselves clearly. No matter what misunderstandings or distortions regarding what “IS” reality you are experiencing between you, I want you to know we are all vulnerable to this.
Nothing takes away the raw need for what I refer to as In 2 Me C. Science now confirms that this “IS” a primal need. This primal need to be seen, known, heard and felt by our close others is where we meet in love and we really need exceptional communication skills to achieve this. Understanding how your brain works in communication can really help you navigate your way through complex Theme Park distorted  mirrors especially the Troublesome Triad ​

​Here are two exercises I share with couples.
Love - this exercise requires you to say out loud to your partner three times a day something about your partner you love or feel grateful for, even if you have to draw on your memory banks, just do it. This practice opens the neural pathways in your brain to receive and give more love and counteracts the negativity bias we can so easily slip into when our relationship is challenging us.
Safe Space - this exercise is about creating a safe space between you both. A safe space in relationship has to do with feeling physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritual safe, however it's more than that, it has to do with feeling like you can come home to yourself with your partner. I understand you may not feel this at times. Therefore it may be useful to ask yourself and your partner, What is a safe space for you???

​Better communication skills is a request I get everyday. Firstly, put some time aside to talk about what is really important to you. We need to see each other as well a hear each other and this cannot be done by text. Discuss how you feel and what you need without blaming the other and really listen too. If you are feeling really uptight, take a break, it takes about 20 mins to calm down then come back to the conversation. After conflict discuss what you can do to create better outcomes for each other next time.

​We can get defensive in our personal relationships as well as critical and shut down. When this becomes a repeated negative cycle of interaction within marriages or couple relationships our brain goes into "survival mode" and is programmed to be on the look out for "more trouble". Which basically means we become stressed, anxious or avoidant towards the people we used to turn to for love and support. This survival mode will trump positive feelings if not understood and worked through . So when you feel shut down or wanting to run away from the relationship or anxious and desperate to get your partners attention you are probably in a nervous system survival response. This can be difficult to understand or get out of when both of you are operating from survival overdrive. Counselling is all about enabling you to have the insight and skills to understand and de-escalate these negative cycles of interaction. You are then able to feel an increase in connection.

It's been nearly four years since I last blogged so I thought I would begin with the exciting news that I am now working full time from my own office in Southport. I currently have a special opening deal which includes three sessions for the price of two. I have found that most people gain significant results after three sessions. I am looking forward to recommencing my occasional blogs. Please feel free to give me a call so we can chat and see what I can offer you.
As a Mental Health Social Worker I now also offer Medicare Rebates for GP referred clients